Piccolo's World
by Mr. Zombie
Summary: In this "alternative" DBZ universe Piccolo runs the world! This is a humorous look at what it would be like if Piccolo was running the DBZ world.
1. Default Chapter

Piccolo's World  
  
In this "DBZ universe" the timeline of Dragonball Z is mixed together (for example, Trunks and Goten are kids yet Freeza is still alive), so don't be surprised when you see characters mixed together. In this the world is run by none other then Piccolo. He is the supreme ruler and is feared by all! Unfortunately, Piccolo doesn't really take care of his planet, so the entire planet is covered with cities that look like run-down ghettos. On another note, there is some pretty strong profanity at times and marijuana plays a pretty big part in this fic. There are also characters alive that should be dead. Everything is all mixed up because this is Piccolo's World. So if you don't mind reading stuff like this, then please continue!  
  
---  
  
Chapter I  
  
  
  
Indeed, not even Goku stood up to Piccolo. He worked as a janitor at a local convenience store owned by Vegeta. Goku was outside mopping the sidewalk when a black stretched limousine turned onto the street and stopped next to Goku. The windows were tinted black, so it was almost impossible to see inside.  
  
The window slowly rolled down, and as it did so smoke started to roll out of the inside of the vehicle. So much smoke that Goku had to wave his hands just to see. Inside the smoke-filled limousine was Piccolo. He wore a black business suit and tie with black sunglasses.  
  
"Greetings, Goku," Piccolo said seriously.  
  
"Uh, hey, Piccolo," Goku replied.  
  
Piccolo's look changed to a humorous expression and he burst out laughing. This went on for several minutes and Goku just started at him confused.  
  
"Are you mopping the sidewalk?" Piccolo asked.  
  
"Yes, it's my job," Goku answered.  
  
This made Piccolo laugh some more.  
  
"That's some funny shit," Piccolo said.  
  
"Hey, is that Freeza?" Goku asked pointing inside the car.  
  
Freeza was indeed sitting next to Piccolo in the car.  
  
"Who? That?" Piccolo said. "Nah, that's uh, Freeza's uhm, other brother, uhh, Freezo! Yeah, Freezo!"  
  
Both Piccolo and Freeza laughed some more.  
  
"Oh, well then pleased to meet you Freezo. I hope you're not evil like the rest of your family," Goku said.  
  
More laughing.  
  
"Okay Goku, I'm outta here. this stop had no significant value. Later."  
  
The window rolled back up and the limousine drove off. Goku shrugged and went back to what he was doing. A second later Vegeta shouted, "Kakarot, get your stupid-ass in here!"  
  
"Yes sir, Mr. Vegeta," Goku replied.  
  
Goku went back inside and saw an angry looking Vegeta.  
  
"Give me that fucking mop," Vegeta ordered.  
  
Vegeta took it and broke it in half. "Are you fucking retarded Kakarot? I wasn't serious when I told you to mop the fuckin' sidewalk! Get your ass behind the register stupid!"  
  
Goku nodded and did what he was told. Vegeta rolled his eyes and went into the back room to sleep.  
  
---  
  
Piccolo's limousine drove up to the golden gate in front of his mansion. Nappa stood guard at the gate. He also wore a black suit and tie like Piccolo. When he saw the limousine he stood straight up and said, "Good day, Mr. Piccolo."  
  
He pushed a button on a remote he had and the gate opened. The limousine drove in and when it was out of sight Nappa leaned against the gate again and fell back to sleep.  
  
The limo stopped directly in front of the mansion and the driver-Chouzu- opened Piccolo's door. A barrage of smoke engulfed him immediately and Piccolo climbed out. He stood up and straightened his tie. In his left hand was a large cigar filled with weed.  
  
"That was a good drive Chouzu. Here's your prize," Piccolo said and pulled a sack of weed out of his jacket and gave it to Chouzu.  
  
"Thank you, sir."  
  
Freeza climbed out of the car.  
  
"Ah yes, my new business associate Freeza," Piccolo said. "I forgot you were there."  
  
"Heh heh, indeed," Freeza replied.  
  
The two walked up the long, marble staircase leading to the large, wooden door. They were greeted by none other then. Guldo!  
  
"Good to see you, Mr. Piccolo," Guldo said opening the door. Piccolo gave him a sack of weed and they made their way to a large, long wooden table. Sitting on one end was a chair that looked like a King's chair, and a couple feet to the right of it was a regular chair. Piccolo sat down on the big chair and Freeza on the regular.  
  
A second later Tien came in wearing a suit similar to Piccolo's. He placed an ashtray and a glass of water in front of the Namek. In return Piccolo gave him some weed. Piccolo next placed the cigar in the tray, placed his sunglasses on the table, and took a drink. Tien returned with a cigar box filled with special cigars. Piccolo pulled one out and Tien left again.  
  
"Have a cigar," Piccolo offered to Freeza.  
  
"A tempting offer," Freeza replied, "but I don't smoke."  
  
This caught Piccolo completely off-guard. Nobody ever turned down his weed- filled cigars. Nobody!"  
  
"Besides," Freeza replied, "there was enough second-hand smoke in that car to get anyone fucked up."  
  
"I see," Piccolo replied calmly. "Quite all right."  
  
"I'm glad you agree Mr. Piccolo. I know what happens to people when you. disagree."  
  
Piccolo grinned. "Indeed, I have a reputation for such things. However, I know your position in the universe. You could be a powerful ally."  
  
"As with you, Mr. Piccolo. As with you."  
  
---  
  
Trunks and Goten were still kids. They were on the sidewalk sparring when a medium-sized black car drove up and stopped next to them.  
  
"Who's that?" Goten asked.  
  
Trunks shrugged. "Don't know."  
  
The door opened and none other then Cell came out!!  
  
"Hello boys," Cell said calmly. "Let's go for a ride."  
  
"No way man. You're evil," Trunks said.  
  
"Who? Me? I just want to get you kids some, uh, ice cream or something."  
  
"I haven't had ice cream in years!" Goten exclaimed.  
  
"Me either," Trunks agreed. "I say we trust him!"  
  
"You can count on me," Cell said giving a thumbs up. Trunks and Goten got into the car. That was easy, Cell thought.  
  
"Hope you don't mind some ice cream at Lord Piccolo's mansion," Cell said evilly.  
  
---  
  
"Mr. Piccolo," Tien said. "The children are on their way."  
  
"Ah, excellent," Piccolo replied. "So the deal is final Freeza?"  
  
"Indeed. The proof is in the pudding."  
  
"Good. A limo will take you to your hip."  
  
The two shook hands and Piccolo put his sunglasses back on. The Namek led Freeza outside and then suddenly kicked him in the back of the head. Freeza felt the full force of the unexpected attack and fell flat on his face. Piccolo then kicked him two more times with full-force kicks.  
  
"Bitch!" Piccolo shouted angrily. "Nobody turns down Mr. Piccolo's Cigars! Now you die, motherfucker!"  
  
Piccolo disintegrated the weakened Freeza with a powerful ki blast. Afterwards, he straightened his tie and went back inside as if nothing happened.  
  
---  
  
Well, that's the end of Chapter I. I have the entire story already written out, but I probably won't post it unless someone shows interest in it. Hope you enjoyed it. 


	2. Chapter II

Piccolo's World  
  
Well, here it is, Chapter II. Sorry it took so long, but I haven't been able to touch a computer in like two weeks. Hopefully there has been some interest in this..  
  
---  
  
Chapter II  
  
Krillen came into Vegeta's store in the middle of the day. Goku was on the counter sleeping and Vegeta was in the back.  
  
"Hey Goku," Krillen said. "What's Vegeta?"  
  
Goku didn't even open his eyes. He simply lifted a finger and pointed to the back room. Krillen nodded and walked back there. Vegeta sat in a corner eating a jar of grape jelly.  
  
"What the fuck do you want?" Vegeta asked angrily. "I'm busy right now."  
  
Krillen pulled out two large blunts. "I got us some fuckin' weed."  
  
Vegeta's eyes widened and he threw the jar of grape jelly against the wall. "Good job, chrome dome!"  
  
Five minutes later...  
  
Vegeta and Krillen sat in wooden chairs smoking the blunts, laughing, and watching an episode of none other then DBZ on Vegeta's small television set.  
  
"This is the good part," Vegeta laughed.  
  
On the show he was about to kill Nappa.  
  
"Look at Nappa's eyes," Krillen laughed. "That shit is FUNNY!"  
  
"You dirty rat!" Nappa shouted. This made them laugh even more.  
  
"He had some stupid last words," Vegeta said, "and check out his face! Just priceless!"  
  
More insane laughter. Nappa was disintegrated and they continued to laugh. Tears were even in their bloodshot eyes because they were laughing so hard.  
  
"You sure know how to kill people Vegeta," Krillen said.  
  
"Damn right I do. I'm an expert."  
  
They laughed some more and Vegeta fast-forwarded the tape they were watching.  
  
"This part is funny as hell too," Vegeta said.  
  
It showed Freeza killing Krillen back on Namek, and Vegeta got a BIG laugh out of it while Krillen sat there motionless. He didn't think that was funny.  
  
---  
  
Piccolo was sitting at his table with his cigar box in front of him. It had a picture of Piccolo on the box giving a thumbs up and below the picture was:  
  
Piccolo's Cigars "I put the 'E' in WEED!"  
  
He sat drinking a glass of water when Trunks and Goten came in escorted by Cell.  
  
"Uhh, hey, Piccolo," Trunks greeted. "We heard you had some ice cream for us."  
  
Piccolo didn't look angry, but happy. He didn't like these two little punks, but he was stoned like a motherfucker.  
  
"Have a seat," Piccolo offered.  
  
They sat on chars that were on the left and right of the Namek. There was some worry on their faces.  
  
"Have some cigars," Piccolo offered placing a cigar in front of each of them.  
  
"Aren't we a little young?" Goten asked.  
  
"Not in Piccolo's World," Piccolo replied. "So go ahead. It's completely harmless anyway."  
  
"Might as well," Trunks agreed.  
  
Piccolo nodded with an evil grin on his face. They put the cigars in their mouths and with a snap of his fingers the cigars were lit. Both kids inhaled and started coughing immediately after. It was VERY powerful weed. Their eyes were bloodshot and their bodies started to twitch.  
  
"What's going on?" Trunks asked. "Help me!"  
  
Within seconds they were both trippin' like hell. Piccolo laughed insanely and pounded his fist on the table as the kids tripped. The kids looked scared and happy at the same time.  
  
"You guys seen your moms lately?" Piccolo asked.  
  
"Uhm. no," Goten answered.  
  
"Do you know why?"  
  
"No."  
  
"I'll tell you why! I TORE OFF THEIR HEADS AND SKULL FUCKED THEM!"  
  
Although this was a lie, Piccolo's look indicated that he was telling the truth. The two kids (or punks, as Piccolo called them) looked afraid, believing Piccolo was indeed serious.  
  
"I hate you fuckin' kids. Damn little punks. I brought you bitches here just so I could have a good laugh. and KILL YOU!"  
  
And Piccolo indeed had a good laugh while the two stood up afraid. They didn't know whether to believe him or not. They tried to walk out but realized they couldn't walk straight. Everything was. different. So they instead staggered their way out.  
  
"You punks never took Piccolo seriously," Piccolo told them. "You little fuckers would never fucking listen to me. So now you'll die!"  
  
"This is a funny moment," Cell said blocking the entrance with his arms crossed.  
  
Piccolo stood up and took off his sunglasses. His eyes were bloodshot and he grinned.  
  
"You guys ready to die?"  
  
"No," Trunks replied.  
  
They looked so afraid. Piccolo began to charge up an attack.  
  
"Please Mr. Piccolo don't!" Goten begged.  
  
"See you in Hell!" Piccolo shouted. The kids screamed and then Piccolo's attack faded away. "I'm just kidding," he said calmly.  
  
Cell and Piccolo got a giant laugh out of that. Trunks and Goten looked at each other for a moment and then joined in. Piccolo was just playing a joke!  
  
"That's great," Piccolo said calmly, "just great."  
  
Then, without warning, Piccolo blasted them and they were disintegrated. He had secretly charged up a powerful attack.  
  
"You're one sick fuck sir," Cell said grinning.  
  
"Damn right I am. I hate kids! Especially those two! This was a good day."  
  
---  
  
Somewhere else in the universe..  
  
King Cold stood aboard his giant ship with his arms crossed over his chest. He stood observing space, wanting nothing more then to conquer.  
  
"Hmm," King Cold said in his British accent. "My son Freeza hasn't reported his alliance with the Namek warlord on Earth. Commander, I want you to contact the Namek. I will speak with him now."  
  
"Immediately, Master King Cold," his Commander (some alien-looking guy) acknowledged.  
  
"You have called me that for the last time, Commander. I am not Master King Cold. I am just King Cold."  
  
"Fuck!" his Commander exclaimed before King Cold disintegrated him. King Cold pointed to someone else. "You're the Commander now. Get the Namek on the screen."  
  
"Huh? Oh, immediately, uhh, King Cold," his new Commander acknowledged.  
  
---  
  
Piccolo was in his office sleeping when King Cold's face appeared on the computer that was on his desk.  
  
"Ah, greetings and salutations Namek," King Cold greeted.  
  
Piccolo didn't move. He was having a nice, weed-filled dream.  
  
"Namek?"  
  
Still no movement.  
  
"Namek!!" King Cold shouted.  
  
Piccolo opened his bloodshot eyes and asked, "Is that you Satan?"  
  
King Cold laughed and said, "In a way."  
  
Piccolo saw the screen and said "Oh" in a very disappointing voice. He put on his sunglasses and straightened his tie. "Greetings King Cold."  
  
"Hmm, indeed. Where is my son Freeza at?"  
  
"Who? Oh, him. he met with an. unfortunate accident."  
  
"Oh? What kind of 'unfortunate accident' would that be?"  
  
"I killed him," Piccolo simply told him.  
  
King Cold's eyes widened. "HUH?!"  
  
"It was good to speak with you King Cold, but I have some important matters to attend to. Good day."  
  
Piccolo destroyed the computer, took off his sunglasses, and fell back to sleep.  
  
---  
  
King Cold was outraged. "Change course!" he shouted. "To Earth!"  
  
His commander quickly changed the course of the ship.  
  
*********************  
  
That's the end of Chapter II. Hopefully you thought it was pretty funny, because there's even more in store for you!! 


	3. Chapter III

Piccolo's World  
  
My apologies for the time it took to put up this chapter. This is the last chapter, but I have written a part II. I hope you enjoy this chapter, and remember, the series doesn't end here!!!  
  
---  
  
Chapter III  
  
Nighttime.  
  
While Piccolo slept in his mansion, Nappa, Tien, and Chouzu stood at the front gate eating pizza and getting stoned.  
  
"Hey Nappa, I got a Knock-Knock joke for ya," Tien said. "Knock-Knock."  
  
"Who's there?" Nappa asked.  
  
"Nobody."  
  
"Nobody who?"  
  
"I said nobody, bitch!"  
  
All three laughed hard for several minutes.  
  
"That was a good one Tien!" Chouzu said.  
  
"Look at that guy," Nappa said pointing to Chouzu. "That guy looks really fuckin' small and pathetic. I remember when he blew himself up to kill me and failed. HAHAHAHA!"  
  
"Fuck you, Monkey," Chouzu replied.  
  
"What'd you call me? I'll fucking kill you!"  
  
"Bring it on then you overgrown monkey!"  
  
Tien watched with a smile on his face. He was in his own world. Nappa clenched his fists and then Chouzu kicked him directly in the nuts. Nappa's eyes widened and he fell to the ground with pain. Tien and Chouzu both pointed and laughed at Nappa, who was rolling around on the ground.  
  
From his office, the now-awake Piccolo watched the whole thing with a smile on his face.  
  
---  
  
Meanwhile, Goku and none other then Jeice sat on the curb in front of Vegeta's store. They passed a Piccolo's Cigar between them.  
  
"Yeah, mate," Jeice said, "there was this one time when Cap'n Ginyu stepped on some shit. He looked down and shouted 'Ah SHIT!' We got a big laugh outta that, yes we did eh."  
  
Goku and Jeice laughed about it.  
  
"It's a shame the bloke got turned into a frog eh? I heard he got ran over."  
  
"Yeah," Goku replied, "I heard he got ran over by Piccolo's limmo."  
  
More laughed.  
  
"Well," Vegeta said coming outside, "if it isn't Kakarot and his Australian slash British orange friend. Look how pathetic you two look sitting there. You make me sick!"  
  
"Uh Vegeta," Goku replied, "you have grape jelly on your face."  
  
Jeice and Goku laughed some more. Vegeta looked around embarrassed and went back inside. A taxicab turned the corner and stopped in front of them. It was smoke-filled and Burter was the driver. In the back seat was Recoome.  
  
"Well mate, I'm outta here," Jeice said getting up.  
  
"All right, Jeice. See ya later."  
  
Jeice got in the car and Recoome handed him a blunt as they drove off. Goku stood up, looked around, and then walked home to a run-down apartment.  
  
---  
  
The next day Goku awoke and realized he hadn't seen Goten in several weeks. He had no idea that Goten had been killed the day before. He also sensed a considerable power at Piccolo's mansion. Naturally, he had to investigate. He called a taxi (even though he could fly) and headed towards the mansion.  
  
"I'm not going past the gate," Burter told him. "That's suicide."  
  
"No problem," Goku replied.  
  
They stopped at the gold gate and Nappa ordered them to leave. Goku got out and refused.  
  
"Kakarot!" Nappa exclaimed when realizing who it was.  
  
"That's right. Open the gate," Goku demanded.  
  
"Fuck that! I'm not going to face Piccolo's wrath."  
  
"Get out of the way, Nappa."  
  
Burter by now had driven off. Nappa took off his tie and jacket. "Bring it on, Kakarot! It's payback time prick!"  
  
Nappa threw a punch. Goku dodged and then knocked him out in one shot. Then he leapt over the gate and made his way to the mansion. Unfortunately, Chouzu blocked him.  
  
"Give me a break, Chouzu," Goku said.  
  
"Go to Hell, Goku!" Chouzu shouted, and flew at him. Goku smacked him away with ease and ran up the staircase. Guldo was waiting for him.  
  
Goku sighed, not wanting to knock him out as well. However, Guldo ran off screaming. Goku opened the door.  
  
---  
  
"Indeed, King Cold. Freeza attacked me and everything unprovoked. He had this crazy idea that he was going to conquer Earth. I had no choice but to defend myself," Piccolo assured him.  
  
Piccolo sat behind his desk while King Cold stood in front of it, ducking his head so it wouldn't crash through the ceiling.  
  
"Hmm, how unfortunate," King Cold said.  
  
"Yes, I don't know what came over him. Cigar?"  
  
"No thanks, but I'm afraid I don't smoke, hmm."  
  
"What a shame. Ah well."  
  
"Hmm, well, I must be on my way. I'll let it slide this time, since I like Cooler better anyway."  
  
King Cold checked his wrist as though he had a watch.  
  
"I'll walk you out," Piccolo said.  
  
"Hmm, superb."  
  
The two made their way out and ran into none other then Goku!!  
  
"Hmm, what a. . . pleasant surprise," King Cold said.  
  
"King Cold!" Goku exclaimed. "What's the meaning of this Piccolo?"  
  
"Uhh, nothing," Piccolo replied. "King Cold isn't really here."  
  
"Piccolo," Goku said seriously. "What have you been up to? Your guards tried to kill me."  
  
Piccolo straightened his tie nervously. "Is that so? I, uh, won't tolerate their insubordination. Sorry about the inconvenience Goku, you may leave."  
  
"I think not," King Cold said suddenly. "That's the guy that defeated my son on Namek, hmm."  
  
"Who cares?" Piccolo said. "I'm the one that KILLED your son! Are you fucking stupid?"  
  
"HUH?! How dare you speak to the Almighty King Cold in such a manner! You must die!"  
  
King Cold actually landed a sucker punch on Piccolo. His sunglasses were knocked off and he flew into a nearby wall.  
  
"Hey!" Goku shouted, and King Cold punched him unexpectedly as well. He, too, flew against a wall. Tien came out of nowhere and attacked King Cold. King Cold smacked him away and he flew through the window.  
  
"Hmm, superb. An easy victory," King Cold said triumphantly.  
  
"Hell no," Piccolo said getting back up. "I'm gonna fucking kill you!"  
  
King Cold crossed his arms and laughed. "Pathetic Namek---GAH!"  
  
Piccolo destroyed him with one blast. It unfortunately left a giant hole in his house. A second later Cell showed up. "What happen?"  
  
"Somebody set up us the bomb," Piccolo replied. "I mean, nothing. Don't worry about it."  
  
Goku walked up to Piccolo a few minutes later. "Good job, Piccolo. And I thought you were evil the whole time."  
  
Goku, Piccolo, and Cell laughed (but Piccolo and Cell's laughs were sarcastic ones) for a few minutes. When they stopped Goku asked if Piccolo had seen Goten and Trunks.  
  
"Nope," Piccolo answered, "haven't seen 'em."  
  
"Well alright then. See ya Piccolo."  
  
Goku flew off and Piccolo let out a sigh of relief. "I'm glad he's an idiot," Piccolo said, and put his sunglasses back on.  
  
THE END  
  
.for now  
  
---  
  
Cast (in order of appearance)  
  
Goku  
  
Piccolo  
  
Freeza  
  
Vegeta  
  
Nappa  
  
Chouzu  
  
Guldo  
  
Tien  
  
Trunks and Goten  
  
Cell  
  
Krillen  
  
King Cold  
  
Jeice  
  
Burter  
  
Recoome 


End file.
